


League of Legends: Lawl

by iDrownFishes



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 00:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13089060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iDrownFishes/pseuds/iDrownFishes
Summary: Warning: Reading of these stories based on matches that totally happened may result in but is not limited to: tears of joy, loss of social life, substantial increase in penis size, belief in true love, blown mind. Format is heavily inspired by (and occasionally blatantly steals jokes from) Chris Bucholz from Cracked . com. Rated T for excessive cursing.





	League of Legends: Lawl

(A/N) Important: Just in case there is any confusion whatsoever, any text in parentheses will be thoughts.

IdrownFishes is comin’ at ya with a story that was written a long time ago. The game and lore has changed a lot since then, but because I cannot function without the affirmation of complete strangers, we’re posting it elsewhere. Just read these glowing comments!

“It made my dick hurt!” - Overenthusiastic Fan

“If you read this fic, you will have definitely read it.” - Fan Review

“Who the fuck is iDrownFishes?” - Random passerby caught in an interview

“Where did I go wrong?” - iDrownfishes’ Mother

So sit back, relax, and enjoy this trip down memory lane with me, to a much simpler, and hammier time.

League of Legends: Lawl

Chapter 1: Quinn and Valor

WELCOME TO SUMMONER’S RIFT

**“Ahem, okay. Can you hear me?”**

“I hear you. May I ask who is summoning me today?”

**““Don’t you worry about my name. For all intents and purposes, I am the smooth, silky voice in your head. A voice of a handsome devil too, as far as you know. Now are you ready to kill some bitches?”** “

“Absolutely! Demacia needs heroes! Ready Valor?”

“Squak!”

**““You and your team talked while waiting, right? Where will you all be heading?”** “

“Elise is in the mid lane, Warwick is jungling, Yorick is top, and Nami coming with me in the bottom lane.”

**““Ahh, Nami. Nice girl. Okay, get yourself some boots and potions. And don’t forget one of those new-fangled ward trinkets.”** “

30 SECONDS UNTIL MINIONS SPAWN

“So, who am I facing today, Summoner?”

**““You’re up against… huh.”** “ 

“What?”

**““I dunno how not to make this weird, so I’m just gonna say it. You’re fighting yourself.”** “

“Really? That doesnt happen to me often.”

**““Weird how that’s a regular occurrence in the rift. We also got Jinx, Akali, Darius and Teemo.”** “

“I hate fighting myself. It’s like hearing your own voice on the radio, except a thousand times more embarrassing.”

MINIONS HAVE SPAWNED

**““Just go ahead and help Warwick get the golem. Maybe you won’t lane against yourself.”** “

“Got it.”

**““Okay, everybody but Yorick is there. Aaany second now...”** “

“Squak.”

“Who’s there?”

“Squaaak.”

“Jarvan who?”

“Squak!”

“Valor! Who taught you that language! That’s just mean.”

**““Your relationship with that bird is touching. In a weird kind of way.”** “

“The golem is here!”

**““Use your pistol!”** “

“Crossbow.”

**““Use it!”** “

“I’m using it!”

**““Good, that was quick. I have a good feeling about this match. Let’s just mozy on down to the bot lane an- OH! Son of a bitch!”** “

“Oh dear… I’m dizzy. What happened?”

**““Jinx and Quinn II just melted you! Who’da thought Jinx made such a great support?”**

“And Nami?”

**““She’s holding her ow- nope. Dead.”** “

“Well. This is a wonderful start.”

**““Never fear, teleport is one of our summoner spells!”** “

“Why?”

**““Shut up, that’s why. I’ll just throw that out there aaand, bingo!”** “

“Aaaaahhhhhh!”

**““Man, those two are super aggressive.”** “

“You think!?”

**““Watch out for her, er, your Blinding Assault!”** “

“OW! Valor, how could you!?”

“Squak?”

"No, not you Valor. Or… maybe? Ugh, never mind.” 

**““Wait, that’s it! Be the beastmaster you’re supposed to be and control the other Valor too!”** “

“I don’t think that will work.”

**““What we’re doing now isn’t working! We’ve been hugging the turret the entire time.”** “

“It’s only been a few minutes...”

**““You have an opportunity that most don’t, woman! Take a chance.”** “

“Fine!”

**““… Are ya doing it?”** “

“Squaaaak!”

“Ow, ow. Ow!”

**““Did you just piss your own Valor off?”** “

“Yes… AHH-”

**““Oooooohhh. Crap. Okay, so we’re 0/2/0. Not a problem.”** “ 

“This isn’t working Summoner… I tried to tell you before the match that buying a Doran’s Blade would have been a better idea.”

**““And I’m telling YOU, that you don’t even use swords! Getting a Doran’s Blade, that’s just stupid.”** “

“Oh my God.”

ENEMY DOUBLE KILL

**““The rest of our team doesn’t seem to be doing well either.”** “

“Oh don’t worry, Warwick isn’t letting us forget it down here.”

**““Oh surprise, surprise. Warwick, of all walf-man humanoids, is being a big meany.”** “

“We have both of our turrets and Nami is sad.”

**““You’re just full of shockers today, aren’t ya? Let’s try and get the team together, this match is not over yet!”** “

“Oh God, Teemo found me!”

**““Use your pistol!”** “

“Crossbow!”

**““Nuance. Just use it! Nobody like him anyway, you’re doing the world a favor!”** “

“Eerrggh- AGH!” -cough- -cough-

**““Man, his poison hurts.”** “

“I know!”

**““Well, at least he’s running away now. You both look pretty hurt though.”** “

“I FEEL pretty hurt! But at least I lived this ti-” **“*BOOM*** “

**““… Fuckin’ mushrooms. Man, and my last few matches went so well.”** “

“That’s it! We need to catch somebody out or something!”

“Squak!”

**““We can hope to get lucky. Let’s redeem ourselves!”** “

“Three of them are on our last mid-turret!”

**““Warwick is nearby, yell to him for help!”** “

“I don’t want to talk to Warwick...”

**““Quinn!”** “

“Ugh… hey, Warwick! Come on, we can still win! I need your help in mid!”

**““What’d he say?”** “

“He told me to stop talking.”

**““Ah. I don’t know what I expected.”** “

YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

“Yorick and I can’t hold them all back, we’re going to lose our inhibitor!”

**““All our teammates are alive and one of theirs is missing. We might finally be looking good for an engage.”** “

“Just a little longer…”

**““Warwick is suppressing Akali! This is your chance! SEIZE IT! SEIZE IT SO GOOD!”** “

“Gouge ‘em, Valor.”

**““Use your pistol!”** “

“You’re an idiot!”

“SQUAAAK!”

**““Get in there and rain those arrows down!”** “

“RAHH! Phew… Ahh no, Jinx sees me!”

AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN

“Oh thank God.”

**““It’s a three for two. Not bad, considering the rest of the match so far. And you only lost half your health! Of course, that was just from, like, one hit from Akali. Why is she so strong?”** “

“At least I have a kill and two assists now.”

“Squak.”

“What? Oh come on, you’re still mad at me for earlier? You know I love you Val, you’re my best friend.”

**““Aww. Friend-zoned.”** “

“Shut up.”

**““Look alive, other Quinn wants a piece.”** “

“What?”

**““She’s trying to kill you.”** “

“Oh. Well that’s no problem. After that battle, I have a newfound confidence in my abiliti- GOOD GOD SHE’S SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME!”

**““RUN BITCH, RUUUN! Use your bird!”** “

“I can’t! Valor’s tired! AAGH-”

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**““Noo, the death timer is so long! Okay, looks like our team is pushing forward. They’re a little low though… Quinn’s evil twin circling around the back, maybe they can switch direction and turn on her! Come on guys, gooo!”** “

AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**““A strong will shall overcome!”** “

ENEMY DOUBLE KILL

**““They cannot break your spirit!”** “

ENEMY TRIPLE KILL

**““I have… faith in you.”** “

ENEMY QUADRA KILL. ACED.

**““God damn it.”** “

“What did I miss?”

**““You missed a mighty ass-whoopin’, and not the fun kind.”** “

“We lost, haven’t we?”

**““No we have not! I mean, yeah, probably, but not definitely. All that’s realistic to do now is guard the base and kill all the super minions. Pick up Homeguards, the enemy is on the way.”** “

“I love the Statikk Shiv. It makes this minion business so much easier.”

“Squak.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how it does that either.”

**““I wish we could grab a buff or something. At least the team is almost back.”** “

“I see the Noxian running this way. Ready Val?”

“Squak!”

“Good.”

**““Where is he going? He’s just circling around. I’m already your eyes in the sky.”** “

“Sometimes that bird just likes to show off.”

**““Speaking of showing, Elise is on her way and Nami is back on the fountain.”** “

“Whoa!”

**““Wow, that was close! Good thing Darius grabbed a minion instead o’ you.”** “

“They’re all here, this is it!”

**““Put on your war face! Use your crossbow!”** “

“Pistol! I- wait, no. Shit. Oh God, they caught out Elise!”

BOOM-CRASH-CLANK-SMASH-HAHAHAAAA

**““Darius’ laughter is the worst part of all o’ this!”** “

“All I hear is Warwick cursing!”

**““Use your bird!”** “

“SQUAAAK!”

AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**““Oh God, you’re so low! Flash and fly! Fly and be free you beautiful winged bastard!!”** “

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**““Or not.”** “

ENEMY TRIPLE KILL

**““Yikes. I think this is about wrapped up. I’m gonna get a drink and forget this ever happened.”** “

YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

“NOXUUUU-uuuhh, ugh. Dizzy.”

Final Score: 2/11/6


End file.
